There's a War Inside of Me.
composed on Friday, Oct. 28, 2005 at 5:58 p.m.
It makes me so sad to come back to this diary.
And it makes me frustrated to know that I completely forgot about it. How could I forget? This diary, this stupid little online journal was such a big deal to me for who knows how long. I poured my heart out, my stupid, immature teenage thoughts, my dumb experiences...I documented all of them right here. And that's what makes me miss it so much.
I've changed a lot. And who knows how many of you will read this. But if you remember me...well, I've grown up.
I was browsing through some old diaries I used to read on here, and even their diaries were a part of me. I don't want that to sound odd, but when I was younger I wanted so badly for people to understand me, and I wanted some kind of connection, no matter how tangible or intangible it might have been. I felt like nobody around me "got" what was going on. And lots of them didn't. I can't blame them for that. But I felt like this website, good ol' Diaryland, was my safe haven. To read about someone who was going through just as many things, many of the same situations, that I was.
It was surprising how much a little white text box could open me up. Could make me feel better.
It's weird, because I feel like I did back then. Just typing and typing...I just feel comfortable. And I miss this place.
It's funny to read things I wrote before, when I didn't know as much, when I was trying so hard to figure things out, or push other feelings away.
But I'm so happy, too. So happy for where I'm at. I'm doing so well in school, and I'm finally writing (on a semi-quasi-professional level, for the school newspaper that is) more. My faith has grown, I've matured in my thoughts and feelings, and I'm not so insecure. I have a wonderful boyfriend, and no, he isn't just one of those guys I might have mentioned in the past, not one of those throw-away crushes. He's the real deal. And my sister, mother, and I have grown closer, and although we still butt heads, we have started to understand each other just a little bit better. I've gained closer friends...just so many wonderful friendships. The kind that will last.
I have a life I can be proud of, at least somewhat. And I've always had a hard time saying that.
I recognize that I still have so far to go. SO DANG FAR. But I want to do it. I want to get going. I want to tackle it head on.
I gotta go the distance!
^That's taking it a bit far...but you get the picture.
Um, if perchance any of you still read this, which I highly doubt, BUT if you might...you can always check out my livejournal to see what happens on the everyday track at this link
Or my Myspace. Add me if you want, and send me a message letting me know who you are.
I've missed this place. Maybe I'll stop by more often.